Been so down these last couple of days for a number of reasons. Depressed. Feeling like a failure. Things are definitely not going right financially, I still have no nearby friends to hang out with, and my bisexuality seems to be running rampant. Well, not literally. I haven’t done anything yet. It just feels that way.
I have been going through a million and one different emotions. Guilt, sadness, anger, depression, hurt, everything imaginable. I know this is normal because I have PTSD, but sometimes, it peaks. Like everything, it peaks when everything in the world is going wrong and I have no control over it. My marriage is still okay, although if I don’t get my head out of the clouds dreaming about fucking a woman so much, it might not be okay for long. He understands, but we have way more to worry about right now than attaining a threesome. And for the life of me, my mind can’t seem to put it down and focus on ways of fixing our finances.
I feel like shit because although my abusive past plays the heaviest part in what’s going on with me right now, I can’t always point the finger at that. The truth of the matter is, my parents can’t help me out of this. Even if they had the money to help me, I still have to fight my racing thoughts night and day. Anxiety soaring, insomnia on full speed. I am grown and I need to figure out my own issues, but I am not sure how. I feel like I’ve exhausted every possible resource possible. I know that isn’t true. There are things I don’t know about that could help us, but I don’t know how to get a hold of them. Five kids, homeless and in a hotel for months, no car. Can barely homeschool right now. I hope that I am not damaging my kids by not putting them in school even though after what I’ve been through, no one can fucking blame me.
I don’t have insurance right now, so I can’t even attempt to go back to counseling like I tried to stick to so many times in the past. I could never stick to it because my insurance was always temporary, often after a pregnancy and lasting only 3 months after birth. Ridiculous, I know. There was a long period like last year when hubby and I did have insurance along with the kids but they changed something and I can no longer get it. I don’t know if I’ll be able to again for a while. I will just have to see.
But in the meantime, I am proud that I have even made it this far without becoming suicidal again or harming my kids or anything of the sort. This journey of mine isn’t fun at all sometimes. I often get misjudged for being lazy, unproductive, and inconsiderate of my husband when it’s really just my mind preventing me from doing certain things. I have to keep working at that.
One day at a time, right?