It’s one of those days where I feel scarred.

Why, you ask? Because I have no females in my life.

It’s as if I never actually did.

I’m completely scarred from my mom’s betrayal.

She left me alone and barren

When I finally told her about my dad’s five years of sexual torture

She made me lie and protect him

Instead of helping me get justice

I feel scarred because life’s a fucking mess

And I can’t see my sister that often

Although when I do, I feel there’s unspoken tension there

The scarring is deep because I was sheltered and overprotected

By both parents my entire school life

I had no life prior to meeting my man

No friends, no aunts, no females to talk to me

No one to show me what it’s like being a woman

I’m fucking scarred because I married to run away from my abusive dad

Because I had no other choice

It was the right man, but NOT the right time.

NO ONE was around to help me get away

Not one of my four aunts

My marriage was in shambles for years

Too many abuse issues, no stable counseling

Feeling like I’m fucking dying every day

Even mother in law hated me then

Because I wasn’t measuring up to what she wanted.

I’m very scarred because my whole marriage

I’ve had NO females around me still…

People who I thought were friends ridiculed me

Ditched me because I was apparently too much for them

Even though I know I’m the nicest person

I never fucking hurt anyone intentionally

But they all just RUN.

EVERY DAMN FEMALE RUNS FROM ME.

Perhaps because I’m considered a liability?

I’m ‘stuck in my comfort zone’

Because I want to be different?

I chose to be a stay home mom for a reason

Yet, it’s another reason why I’m scarred

No one takes me seriously because I don’t work

And I don’t understand the goddamn logic

But hell, no one respects you without money…

Almost ten years of being married

And I have not one real friend who’s ever stuck with me

Real friends are hard to find, I know

But why must I suffer continuously?

Haven’t I suffered enough?

I am scarred now because I don’t know what ‘girl time’ is like

Never even had a sleepover

Never had any hang out time, no girl’s days out

No drunken late night convos about life while binging on chocolate

Or complaining about men and periods as we drown in movies and giggle fits

When I meet someone and start getting close, there’s always some excuse

As to why we can’t meet up

I just don’t understand.

Everyone else seems to have that one best girl friend

And I have my hubby and that’s it.

Thank goodness for somebody, but now I’m scarred

Because I’m lacking in female companionship

I want EVERYTHING a female is able to offer me

I am bisexual because I have been BROKEN

By the women in my life

I want to be close to a woman so badly it fucking HURTS.

Emotionally close, physically close, sexually close

I want to hold her, kiss her, touch her everywhere

I NEED to express my love for a woman

So scarred because of my lack of friends

Lack of a MOTHER

Hell, even my grandmother doesn’t like me anymore

What do you expect out of me?

I want to make passionate love to a woman

And never betray her the way others have betrayed me.

I am scarred because I’m poly

Loving more than one person is totally possible for me

And I NEED to experience that.

So even within all of my emotional scars,

I have to go on with life…

because I have my five kids that I don’t want to leave

SCARRED.

~Epic Realist~

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