It’s one of those days where I feel scarred.
Why, you ask? Because I have no females in my life.
It’s as if I never actually did.
I’m completely scarred from my mom’s betrayal.
She left me alone and barren
When I finally told her about my dad’s five years of sexual torture
She made me lie and protect him
Instead of helping me get justice
I feel scarred because life’s a fucking mess
And I can’t see my sister that often
Although when I do, I feel there’s unspoken tension there
The scarring is deep because I was sheltered and overprotected
By both parents my entire school life
I had no life prior to meeting my man
No friends, no aunts, no females to talk to me
No one to show me what it’s like being a woman
I’m fucking scarred because I married to run away from my abusive dad
Because I had no other choice
It was the right man, but NOT the right time.
NO ONE was around to help me get away
Not one of my four aunts
My marriage was in shambles for years
Too many abuse issues, no stable counseling
Feeling like I’m fucking dying every day
Even mother in law hated me then
Because I wasn’t measuring up to what she wanted.
I’m very scarred because my whole marriage
I’ve had NO females around me still…
People who I thought were friends ridiculed me
Ditched me because I was apparently too much for them
Even though I know I’m the nicest person
I never fucking hurt anyone intentionally
But they all just RUN.
EVERY DAMN FEMALE RUNS FROM ME.
Perhaps because I’m considered a liability?
I’m ‘stuck in my comfort zone’
Because I want to be different?
I chose to be a stay home mom for a reason
Yet, it’s another reason why I’m scarred
No one takes me seriously because I don’t work
And I don’t understand the goddamn logic
But hell, no one respects you without money…
Almost ten years of being married
And I have not one real friend who’s ever stuck with me
Real friends are hard to find, I know
But why must I suffer continuously?
Haven’t I suffered enough?
I am scarred now because I don’t know what ‘girl time’ is like
Never even had a sleepover
Never had any hang out time, no girl’s days out
No drunken late night convos about life while binging on chocolate
Or complaining about men and periods as we drown in movies and giggle fits
When I meet someone and start getting close, there’s always some excuse
As to why we can’t meet up
I just don’t understand.
Everyone else seems to have that one best girl friend
And I have my hubby and that’s it.
Thank goodness for somebody, but now I’m scarred
Because I’m lacking in female companionship
I want EVERYTHING a female is able to offer me
I am bisexual because I have been BROKEN
By the women in my life
I want to be close to a woman so badly it fucking HURTS.
Emotionally close, physically close, sexually close
I want to hold her, kiss her, touch her everywhere
I NEED to express my love for a woman
So scarred because of my lack of friends
Lack of a MOTHER
Hell, even my grandmother doesn’t like me anymore
What do you expect out of me?
I want to make passionate love to a woman
And never betray her the way others have betrayed me.
I am scarred because I’m poly
Loving more than one person is totally possible for me
And I NEED to experience that.
So even within all of my emotional scars,
I have to go on with life…
because I have my five kids that I don’t want to leave