My First Female ‘Breakup’…

I seriously need to vent about this situation.

So, I haven’t had any sexual relations with a woman yet, but I did have a ‘friend’ who I had to recently let go of. I’ve never met her in real life because she’s a billion states away from me, but we were online buddies for over 5 years. At first, she was sweet and caring and all that, but over time, through her going through a divorce and trying to be a single mom and balance 4 young kids, she’s put me on the backburner completely and was rude about it.

I thought that she still cared about me, but I didn’t realize that she was really starting to ignore me. She’d make excuses to not write me OR she wouldn’t message me back until 3 days later, after I saw her on Facebook goofing off or watching movies or hanging out with other so-called friends or coworkers. Even my hubby saw this and always told me that she wasn’t right for me. This was happening before I even came out as bi, so it wasn’t that that little detail scared her off.

It was more of a toxic relationship. I gave her everything out of me when she gave me so little back. I’d be sitting back for a week, waiting for her to write me back or finally offer to call me because she stopped wanting to even actually call me after a while.

This went on forever until I hinted the fact that I was bisexual to her, and she picked up on it right away. I realized prior to that that I was developing feelings for her, even though I knew deep down the relationship was toxic. She laughed it off, claiming that she already knew that I wanted her like that. She told me that she’d been with women before and it was no big deal that I liked her. Talk about being hella shocked. She’s never told me this before lol! But I don’t even know why I continued to fall for her even though she didn’t have my best interest in mind.

She very often criticized me for being a SAHM and not ‘working harder’ when she hadn’t even talked to me enough recently to see why I hadn’t done certain things. She even knew that I had depression and PTSD from childhood sexual abuse and completely ignored that shit over and over for her own self gratification.

Last year, around August, she was still barely talking to me, but I kept shrugging it off as her being ‘busy’, even though she was never too busy for her million boyfriends or other friends. I call myself being genuine by sending her a loooooong, handwritten letter telling her how I truly felt about her. Well, it wasn’t that mushy, but leading up to it. She got it and never answered me back. I waited a week for her to process it, but when she finally messaged me back in FB, she said that she didn’t know how to respond. With a great sigh, I backed off. For another whole month.

She never wrote back. Anywhere.

So, after 5 long years, I finally decided to cut her off completely. I was sad and royally fucking pissed at the same time. How dare she ignore me after I write a handwritten letter to her, when no one even does those things anymore. I was crushed. But I knew for a long time that the relationship was toxic, because we’d had fall-outs before, but I always ignored the signs because I was falling for her. I cut her off at the end of August from every single social media platform she’d followed me on. I cried like a baby and my hubby had to help me bear it. It hurt so bad. I cared deeply for her and she stomped my heart into pieces.

If she didn’t agree with the letter or couldn’t reciprocate, hell, even if she thought I was fucking crazy, she should have TOLD ME, not left me hanging. That was totally rude. AND I was pregnant at the time, to make it worse. I don’t care if she cussed me out over it; I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW SHE FELT ABOUT ME. Is that so much to ask?

Tell me why this woman then tries to add me back in Instagram when the end of December rolled around. I said, nope. I blocked her new account that she’d made. I am no longer letting her toy around with my emotions. She can be with her other friends and wallow in it.

I refuse to start 2017 with toxic relationships. It ain’t happening, bruh. 😉

And I’m proud.


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